Favorite Songs List

I'm pretty sure I'm hormonal today.

I spent the day with Nathan.  Dad was off with a Boy Scout hike with Sam, and Gram kept Isaac.  So we took a trip about an hour North for pizza, bagels, grocery, Target.  Yeah, we're that far in the boonies that to get to all that stuff we have to drive over an hour.

I played music on my iPhone for him.  First he asked for Coldplay.  We have Parachutes, which does not include my favorite Coldplay song, Fix  you.  So I asked him if I could play my favorites list.  Which is how I started crying.

I put my favorites list together last winter.  I put in songs that gave me hope and fire for the fight we were in.

And it was a war.  A war against the rage and despair that was consuming Nathan and contaminating all of the family.  It not only drug us into the depths with him, but stole our sleep and wrecked a lot of our worldly goods.  I wrote lots of stuff about it, so you can click back through my blogs from that time.  I don't really care to go over them.

But all the songs, they brought back the fear and sadness.  The feeling that our little boy was drowning in this morass.  The fear that he might not come back.  The sadness at how far down he went into hellish despair.

I took pictures at that time.  People would look at them and ask why I took them.  I guess most people take pictures that show their family in a good light.  But there were no good lights for us then.  And most people did not understand how bad it was.  So I took pictures of his bleeding bite marks.  And the ones he gave Dad.  The bruises on his chest from hitting himself.  And his protruding ribs.  And I took videos of his hours-long screaming and crying that had no obvious instigation and no way of ending.  This was no temper tantrum.  There was nothing to give into.  There was only the time until he was exhausted enough to sleep.  Only to wake screaming and crying again.

And it went on for months.  Nine months from start to finish.

I discovered two things about myself.

I love him and I want him to be happy.  And I repeated that as a mantra while I sat next to him keeping him safe from himself.  I repeated it so much that he can now finish the phrase when I start it.

And communication is the most important thing I can give him other than love.  So we put communication above all other goals.  When his mind and body were so involved in the conflict, it was extremely hard for him to hear or communicate accurately.  But reading remained.  He could read.  And respond appropriately.  So we made it our goal to keep that and push it further.

So today I listened to that music that kept me hoping and going last winter and spring.  And looked at my happy boy singing along.  And I cried.

Definitely hormones.

Fix You, Coldplay
I Won't Give Up, Jason Mraz
A Thousand Years, Christina Perri
White Flag, Dido
Dark Side, Kelly Clarkson
Stronger, Kelly Clarkson
Raise Your Glass, P!nk
And I added a new one today
All I Need, Awolnation


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