Don't Beat Yourself Up

There reaches a point at which the best you can do to be a not-bad parent is keep more than an arm's length from your child.

I am reluctant to even say that. I have read blogs by Aspie writers in which they castigate parent bloggers for having thoughts of harming their child or themselves for behavior generated by autism.

But I am that bad parent. I admit that if I were beside Nathan right now I would probably have smacked him at least once tonight.

We are staying at a hotel, visiting family for the holiday. Which, I admit, when viewed in the 20/20 lens of the retroscope, was a sorry mistake. Last night he was up until past 3 am. Right now he is stimming, singing "Do Lord," and saying "Wake up!". Repeating numbers "20, 20...20, 20...20, 20" "56, 56...56, 56." And it is after midnight. My other two will almost certainly wake up about 6 or 7.

I am frustrated. Sad. Angry. Tired. Sleepy.

When I tell him I am going to spank him he says "Yes!"

So you know how much good that will do him. It is not the same as when I was 12 and my dad spanked me and my sisters for giggling when we were sleeping on blankets on his inlaws floor. Then I felt angry and wronged. And quiet.

I am not sure how Nathan feels about being spanked or pinched. But this is a kid who bites himself when frustrated.

I eat nutella when frustrated. I guess that explains my weight issues.

However, it makes me think that spanking does little to modify his behavior or teach him any lessons.

So here I lay. Typing on my iPad. Telling him "Give yourself a shush" which makes him say "shhh.". On the other bed, next to my sleeping seven year old.


  1. I agree, giving him a spank will not help! Hang in there!

  2. Its hard not to give a "spank" though when your being spit at, hit, kicked repeatedly. Sometimes i want to spit back, yes, really. We about got divorced this xmas, two extremely exhausted parents one teenager with severe autism a 5 month old and a nt 7 yr old, baby doesnt sleep and 13 yr old doesnt sleep. Ahhhh, when is this so called xmas vacay over?!?! Not soon enough.


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