I once knew everything, too

You young girls, with your shiny, new degrees. You KNOW everything.

You've done the research. You've written theses. You've worked with experts who also KNOW everything. 

You know exactly what I'm doing wrong. You've figured it out. You know that if Idid less of this, and more of that. If I put more time into it. If I had more patience. More time. More desire to actually help my son. I really could do it. 

If I accepted him more. If I cherished those little idiosyncrasies. If I didn't enforce the behaviors that get in the way of him making progress, he WOULD make progress. 

But here's the deal. 

I've tried most of that shit. I did more of that and less of this. I've put time into it. I've learned a shit ton more of patience than you'll ever have to. 

I've also scraped the shit off my 13 year old son that he smeared on himself. I've washed a ton of the soiled clothes you sent home. And a ton more from home. I've repaired the holes he's made and bought new things for those that couldn't be repaired.  I've sat hours in his room waiting for him to fall asleep. I've worked with my other two boys, who also deserve a fair shake at the autism hand thats been dealt them. I work a full time job and come home to relieve my husband, who does - all day, every day - what you find so challenging. 

I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars to make his life better. I've meditated to accept him with all his quirks while striving to help him out of the prison his mind imposes on his body. I cherish his differences while trying to help him work around his barriers. 

I KNOW what its like to accept that my son will not achieve the dreams I had for him. 

I KNOW what its like to sometimes dream only so far as that he will quit raging.  That he will let me know what he needs and wants. That he will stay dry for the day. That he will just go the fuck to sleep.

 

I KNOW what its like to live this autism life that you only glimpse for a 40 hour week. 

I KNOW that you are young and ignorant. Because I was once also. 

And I don't know if I would wish the intimate knowledge - that is the real truth that I know - on your future. It made me a better practitioner. And I know it would make you a better therapist. But it will change and warp your life into something you never imagined or planned. 

Like it did mine.