Low Expectations
All my adult life have wanted Christmas to be "perfect.". To meet some kind of ideal. Everyone would be happy. I would get gifts that I loved and would show me that people in my life loved me and wanted me to be happy.
I hated Christmas.
After Sam, my first son, was diagnosed with autism, Christmas developed an even deadlier aura. It became the time that I could make my sons normal. If I bought the right toy, had the right traditions, and went to the right holiday events they would be fixed. I spent a lot of money on that one. Eventually I lost that delusion.
Over the years I have managed to lose most of that. But not all. People outside my children continue to disappoint me with their total lack of thoughtfulness. Mostly family. Why I persist in expecting more out of people than they have ever shown any capacity for is my problem. Why a thoughtless gift or disinclination to help us out bothers me after decades of the same makes me wonder about myself.
But Christmas has remained a troublesome time. Because it is so different, so strange with completely altered schedules and different people coming in and out of our house Nathan is set up for trouble. We do a less than perfect job of preparing him for the differences. He might still fall apart even if we did. But we will try harder. And in spite of the fact that my expectations for what will happen that day (no pictures of family togetherness and warm fuzzy feelings here) having him biting himself and us and throwing things across the room to break them upsets me more than usual. So I haven't completely lost some desire for control.
And I will continue to remind myself that happiness and satisfaction come from inner peace. That I have little or no control over external events and people. Contine to study my mind so I have more Inner peace. And I will try to control what I can. Which is limit Nathan's stressors and provide him with as much information as I can to help him be in control.
I hated Christmas.
After Sam, my first son, was diagnosed with autism, Christmas developed an even deadlier aura. It became the time that I could make my sons normal. If I bought the right toy, had the right traditions, and went to the right holiday events they would be fixed. I spent a lot of money on that one. Eventually I lost that delusion.
Over the years I have managed to lose most of that. But not all. People outside my children continue to disappoint me with their total lack of thoughtfulness. Mostly family. Why I persist in expecting more out of people than they have ever shown any capacity for is my problem. Why a thoughtless gift or disinclination to help us out bothers me after decades of the same makes me wonder about myself.
But Christmas has remained a troublesome time. Because it is so different, so strange with completely altered schedules and different people coming in and out of our house Nathan is set up for trouble. We do a less than perfect job of preparing him for the differences. He might still fall apart even if we did. But we will try harder. And in spite of the fact that my expectations for what will happen that day (no pictures of family togetherness and warm fuzzy feelings here) having him biting himself and us and throwing things across the room to break them upsets me more than usual. So I haven't completely lost some desire for control.
And I will continue to remind myself that happiness and satisfaction come from inner peace. That I have little or no control over external events and people. Contine to study my mind so I have more Inner peace. And I will try to control what I can. Which is limit Nathan's stressors and provide him with as much information as I can to help him be in control.
"Why I persist in expecting more out of people than they have ever shown any capacity for is my problem"
ReplyDeleteI can entirely relate to that statement! I am irritated at myself for letting it annoy me. I am trying a new mantra - "I can not change other people, only my attitude towards them", so far it's not helping, ha ha!