spectrumom

 We have 3 boys.  Our 14yo has moderate autism, 11yo has severe autism with bipolar features, 6yo is our token Aspie with a lot of ADHD. When everyone in the family has autism, sibling issues take on new flavors.  Not only is there sibling rivalry, but when you don't read social cues you don't stop picking and inciting.  And when your brother has severe autism, but because of your own autism you don't fully comprehend, it becomes ugly.  You don't recognize danger cues.  You incite danger without realizing, or because you have too much difficulty switching plans.  That is mostly our Aspie.  A whirling dervish.  But endangering himself more than others. Because you are not social, and you don't have the skills to be fully independent, there is no escaping the house of torture. There are 2 brothers who do things continuously to aggravate your own sensory issues.  And invade your treasured personal space.  Even if you have no compre...

Sam was away at Boy Scout camp since Sunday and I picked him up last night.  When I got there he was in meltdown mode complaining about water in his ear.  He cried and lashed out at Isaac a few times.  Generally, not himself at all.  After about an hour, I finally got him settled down after we loaded the car and went to the Trading Post for ice cream sandwiches.  He never complained about anything but his ear, no matter how many times I asked him. Tonight Sam and I got back into our swing of walking the dog.  I love our walks.  Sam is in charge of the dog.  Since he has had a life long fear of dogs and still dislikes it when Ghost barks (very loudly) and when Ghost blocks the tv by walking in front of it, the fact that he loves this task is quite amazing.  We talked about what was best about camp, and what was difficult.  I asked him why he was melting down at camp. "Oh, you mean because of my dad?"  He hadn't said that at camp....

One of the things I have been reluctant to blog about has been my own emotional rollercoaster.  I spend entire days wanting to cry, even when things are not necessarily going badly.  Although they go badly enough of the time that the overlap may be somewhat inconsequential. I actually have had another mom tell me she chose happiness.  That made me feel ashamed of my own inability to control this.  I have talked to my doctor ("Oh, that sounds like menopause and stress.  No pill for that.")  I meditate.  I read like crazy.  And still no fix.  No button to turn off the thought of 'My life sucks that bad that I wish I hadn't been born.'  And no turning off the desire to cry all day, but the inability to get more than a few tears out.  That tightness in my chest and the turning into anger at our extended family for not helping out.  The chronic neck pain and headaches that result from my body's complaints about having to internali...

I am sick of apologizing to you for autism. I have spent years saying things like "I'm sorry you were disturbed, he has autism." "I'm sorry you were offended my little boy took his swim shorts down and your grandaughter saw his butt." "I'm sorry your dinner was disturbed by his loud humming." "I'm sorry you were subjected to an hour of talking about Nintendo and gambling." The fact is, I just don't give a fuck about you anymore. I'm done feeling sorry for you. Probably because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. Or, more honestly, I'm just not giving a rat's ass about you and your feelings anymore. Because for every scream during dinner, every irritating hum, every repetitive comment on Nintendo, I've had a thousand. And frankly, I'm not the asshole that you are now for complaining to me about it. You were bothered at dinner for maybe 45 minutes. You were bothered for a three hour ...

Bemusedly, I have watched the debate over whether the kids with higher functioning autism should be diagnosed and/or treated. Whether they are stealing services that should be used for lower functioning kids or stealing money from normal kids who deserve to have more of an already over-stretched school budget. Whether over-zealous parents want their kid's every quirk ironed out. My first two boys couldn't have been mistaken for high functioning. Although my oldest now has language, his speech has that odd autistic quality, he perseverates on favorite topics, he stands too close and forgets common social rules (burping and farting loudly in a restaurant are just not acceptable.). My middle son. Let's just mention that at 11 his language is just emerging. He bites and hits himself, sometimes others. So a diagnosis for either boy was not optional. Then comes boy #3. Speech at all the right times. Likes his bedtime story. Sleeps with a whale and penguin. Talks about adoptin...

Both of our boys have had the hysterical laugh that can drive parents of autistics insane. There is something about it that grates on our last nerve. When a laugh is not a laugh. "How can you be upset about a laugh?" my mom asked incredulously. Because this is not laughter about happiness. This is laughter that goes on when others are angry and upset. When people get hurt and cry. When there is nothing funny going on. And when I try to stop it, it gets louder. Mostly this seems to be about trying to perk oneself up. Nathan uses it when he is very tired. I tried it one day and it does help. Go ahead and try it yourself. I'll wait while you do. There. Don't you feel just a little perkier? It only work for a minute or two. And so the laughter goes on and on. Nothing gets done. People stare. And then, because it is a symptom of overwhelming emotions, it leads to...other things. I do keep trying to understand why it triggers such a negative response in me. ...

Through a happy conjunction of events (acquiring the task of dog walking, a news story and an assignment for Sam on Greek mythology) I now spend an hour nearly every evening alternating between staring in people's homes and developing a permanent crick in my neck staring at the stars and planets. Staring in people's homes is an old habit and really has nothing to do with this blog. Except that it amazes me how many people leave their windows unshaded while they lounge around the house in their skivvies being bums and watching tv. Unlike me who is out diligently exercising the dog. It also amazes me how neat their houses are. Which is perhaps why they leave their shades up and lights on. Show offs! But back to the planets. It all started when I was walking the dog and saw a star near the eastern horizon that was so red, I thought "It could be Mars. Nah." But on arriving home I was looking though "all the terrible things that happened today" on MSNBC a...