spectrumom

A blog posted on  Psychology Today posed a question that I've been considering myself: Why does society only consider the family's trauma of living with a person on spectrum, not the trauma the person who is on spectrum lives with daily? Which is a perfectly valid question.  Watching my kids, I know that I am aware of only a small percentage of what they face every day.  Due to their language problems and anxiety they relay only a small part of what they face.  Watching Nathan, who has only words to ask for a few things-food, some actions-I know he is SO frustrated with his inability to communicate, and inability to discuss strategies for dealing with his internal issues.  He is constantly bombarded with impulses and sensations. Last night, Nathan had a horrible gut bug with vomiting for hours.  Now he has diarrhea.  He couldn't tell us when he was about to vomit, not even call out 'mom' to get my attention.  After he would vomit into his b...

At some point, when our children are infants, we can imagine what it is like to lose control and harm them.  The vast majority of us never do.  But we can see losing our temper, being so sleep deprived and stressed that we hurt them. When we see stories of people who do such horrid things, we are shocked and appalled.  But a little voice in the back of our heads says "If the circumstances were right, who is to say I wouldn't do such a horrid thing?" It is like standing on the edge of a cliff and realizing you might jump.  But you never do. Some of those children grow into a diagnosis of autism or other difference.  Sometimes this includes severe sleep issues.  Sometimes self-injurious behaviors.  Sometimes aggression. Sometimes we can imagine losing control and hurting them.  The vast majority of us never do. When we see stories of people who do such horrid things, we are shocked and appalled.  But that little voice in the back of o...

I've made no bones about this parenting 3 kids with autism being a easy row to how.  To mix my metaphors.  It's hard on both of us. I was telling my husband the other day that I had a crazy person moment.  I was just teetering on the edge of frustration, depression, and auttie kid stim overload.  And I had the kids in the car taking them away from him so he could do his thing-ride his bicycle for miles and miles up and down mountains. I got this idea in my head that I just wanted to keep going.  I thought 'I'll take them to Baltimore.  And we'll visit the aquarium.  And then we'll leave and we'll just drive.  Drive and drive and maybe never stop.'  It was like those thoughts you get when you're standing on top of a cliff and a little part of your brain says 'Jump!  Why not?'  Except a lot stronger. I mean, crazy, right?  3 autistic kids and me, who is dangling by a fucking thread, going on a road trip like fucking Thelma ...

I admit it - I eat my stress.  I always have.  And I hate those people who say "I always lose weight when I'm stressed.  I just don't know what to do!"  Because, let's face it, society loves thin people.  And the thinner you get, the more people love you.  If you get super thin, people say how worried they are about you.  But the fatter you get the more people blame you for your weight.  The more I blame myself for my weight.  If only I had more self-control and weren't such a slob. I actually had a male client at my workplace say "You've gained weight, haven't you?  A lot of people feel better if they lose weight."  Really?  Yes, I had weighed myself that morning and had gained 10 pounds.  So, thanks for rubbing salt in that wound. And while things with Nathan are just now starting to improve, I continue to feel anxious and depressed rotating with feeling okay.  So, I started back on Weight Watchers online....